Angst

Oh man am I glad I am 30 (going on 31). You know how at times you go through phases that make you wish you were younger again, that you could go back to when life was easy and there wasnt all this stress and lack of time. I am most definitely not in that phase right now. Am I stressed? Oh boy am I ever. Is my life perfect? Heck no. Am I married to the love of my life and feel good about where the Lord is taking me? You bet.
I have noticed these days that there are a lot of young folks who, out of high school, stall and can't figure out what they want from life. Between juggling guys or girls, existential-why-am-I-here matters, and changing relationships with parents I am not sure why on earth I would ever want to be back there. I feel for them I really do.
I do not miss the pits in my stomach from trying to let a girl know I was interested in them, not because I wanted them to go out with me but because I simply wanted the pain to be overwith, listening to Def Leppard's "Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad" over and over and over on my TAPE deck (THAT is something that makes me feel old, and no, no mullets were involved in this situation). The huge irony being that never happened when I met my wife. I knew she was someone special because I didnt feel that way even though I thought she was amazing. And I can't complain, she still amazes me every day and God outdid himself in creating her. Was all that pain worth it even though I didn't end up with those girls? Yep, because I grew. God made me a better man through those experiences but if you would have asked me that then I am not sure I would have been so willing to admit it.
As for the why am I here, as much as I am proud to say I spent 12 years in post secondary in which I learned a great deal about all manner of subjects, one cannot help but notice that people who knew what they wanted seldom spend that much time in school unless they are a)retarded or b)retarded. At least that's what I thought. I know now that timing is everything, God's timing is everything. I had moments where the pressure got to me, where I got depressed and hated all the time I was spending getting somewhere that I wasnt sure was it for me. I know now that for me it meant God was giving me the chance to grow as a person, to grow up a bit, and I must admit I needed it. It meant meeting my future wife. It meant so many personal changes I can scarcely list them all. And it all came out all right... it all came out fantastic. God is faithful, it is just hard to see it sometimes.
I am not done yet either. God will always grow us throughout our whole lives. He will rub off the rough bits, and round us out till we are what He wants us to be. Thing is, you can either question His motives or enjoy the ride. Right now the ride is a bit bumpy but when isn't it? It feels good on my sore 30 year old back anyway hehehe...