It has been an interesting January thus far. January always seems to be an interesting month. When I say interesting I really mean difficult. Not for me so much, but for a lot of people around me. I have always been an empathetic sort of person. I tend to take on the emotions of those around me. I used to do it more than I am now, now I observe the feelings rather than allowing myself to be crushed by them. After all these are not my problems, simply problems in which I have been asked to be a listening ear and an open heart.
It would seem that the Christmas season takes its toll on folks financially, emotionally and even physically with the weather being gray and dreary as it is seasonal affective disorder is running roughshod over people. I am actually pretty energetic lately which is cool although I am officially dodging taking down the tree by doing other chores. In the last three weeks I have had so many conversations and heard so many struggles that folks are having. These are people I care about so ultimately you cant leave it all at the office, I cant simply shut it off without becoming cold and callous. I hope for them, pray for them but at the same time realize that I am not the one to save them. This is a hard realization but the truth. I am not put in this place to save others, but to tell them of the one who has already saved them. I can listen, I can sympathize, I can counsel, I can care but I cannot and must not try to save them because that is not how conflicts are resolved. In the case or marriage the couple must be willing to save each other, in the case of maturity a person can only choose to grow themselves as they are ready to, in the case of family conflict the family has to be open to move past it. Nothing that I can say or do can change a persons heart. I don't mean that in a defeatist way at all. I don't mean that I have given up trying to help people merely that I am thinking more about how it is that true help is given. My words can guide, God's Word can heal, but ultimately it is the person who must change themselves, be open to being changed by God.
I have had writers block for a while now. I have been preaching but the writing has been modified to be my own. The word is there and it is true, but the words themselves first rolled from someone else's ballpoint before my own thoughts move them closer to my way of speaking. I have had the thoughts above stuck in my craw I think. When it boils down to it I think what I am trying to get across is that sin is not just committed. Its consequences plague us, wear us down, hurt us and it is so hard to lay that burden aside because we want understand it first. I think many times we feel like we need to carry our burdens around with us as penance. I must carry this for a time until I feel like I have paid my due, paid the price for my mistake. Like Atlas, the weight of our world bears down upon us and we diligently carry it with us. It is exhausting. It is maddening. It is saddening. It takes us so long sometimes to realize that there is nothing to be learned in hanging on but only in letting go. In my experience it is the confession that is the harder part emotionally. Laying our burdens at the foot of the cross is not an easy task. I am fine carrying a heavy box but it is that last heave, that tinge of pain in putting it down that really sucks. Sure you are free of the box but wouldn't we all just prefer to avoid that bit of struggle.
Grace really is foreign to us isn't it? So often we look for ways to fix ourselves. There must be some step by step process to make me feel better. Something I can do. Something. The notion of God's absolute forgiveness and mercy is uncomfortable and hard to accept because in the confession there is the knowledge that He see the sin in us. He sees the burden, the weight on us and takes it upon Himself without asking our permission first. The sins have already been forgiven, the grace already made known. How painful it is for us to simultaneously know that it was out of our hands and yet completely necessary for God to die and rise for us, for me.
What is the point of all this? What am I trying to say? Well, for one I needed to record my thoughts of the last few weeks as I have been chewing on them awhile. For two, I too need to appreciate the grace of the God whom I serve on a daily basis. If I am to help others I must realize this grace is for me as well. There is no point is carrying my own burdens around or the burdens of those around me because it serves no purpose other than to salve my guilty conscience, to slake my thirst for feeling guilty. And yet grace is right there. It is not my intention for this to be preachy although I know it likely reads that way. My intention is to remind myself and maybe you, if you have stuck with me this far, that we don't believe in God to be constantly reminded of our burdens. We believe in God to be freed from them.
I think that writer's block is starting to slip a bit… J
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