I need to preface this by saying I haven't really seen a lot of porn in my day, but I am familiar with the stereotypes of porn and that is what I am about to refer to.
During the summer hiatus Candace and I usually will watch shows on DVD, sometimes ones we have seen before, sometimes something new. I am a sucker for nostalgia so when I saw Melrose Place seasons 1 & 2 at the store for 20 bucks I thought it'd be sweet to check those out. I never watched it when it was first on, I was a 90210 man myself, but I knew Candace watched it and spoke highly of it. So far I am quite enjoying it. It is a 20 something drama about people who live in a little apartment block with a pool named Melrose Place, drama ensues. It ranges from the creepy (teenage Kelly dating hunky Jake who is 22ish and this is seen as OK) to the obvious (sexual harassment issues at work). A funny thought struck me though about the show. The way it is shot is very sort of cheesy, closed set, old school video so it has a cheapish quality to it, and then the dialog is at times really reaching, often as an excuse to get various individuals into stages of undress. I am sure this show was geared towards young woman because of all the shirtless men and women's issues but I found myself enjoying it in a kind of fun way.
As I mentioned I don't watch porn, but I think all of us know the stereotypes. In The Big Lebowski there is a brief scene where the characters are watching a part of a porno because someone they know is in it and the guy in the scene shows up to fix the cable, cheesy dialog ensues along with cheesy music. So my observation is this, Melrose Place follows the cheesy porno formula but without the graphic sex. At one point a girl walks into her apartment right when her new male roommate is taking off his shirt, she pauses to admire him, at which point he says, "I'm sorry, I was just really hot…" bow chicka wow wha…. Oh we're moving on. A guy runs out of hot water, comes into the courtyard in a towel, and a girl in a nightie (!?!) says, I have hot water up here… bow chicka wow nothing happens. You would swear the dialog was leading to something but it just sort of goes on, you could make a drinking game out of it. I am not saying I wanted them to burst into graphic sex, just that it seemed like it may be inevitable given the dialog… and the music.
Ah 90's TV stroke music. I know that must sound horrible but it isn't what you think. I mean that the music sounds like the person playing it is perhaps having a stroke at the time and is desperately trying to key out a hopeful message to the viewers to call an ambulance for them. There is the bow chicka wow bass and all that but I am talking the piano guy. This guy needs help. He is playing chopsticks (essentially) in such a mournful and sad way. Slow and sleepy like. I love you Billy, you are my heart and soul…. Cue piano… plink plink bling…. Bling bling plink… plink plink bling…. Bling bling plink. The poor guy cant even afford a genuine piano, it's one of those sad electronic 90's pianos with a name like the Vibraphonix 820 (known for its crisp clear "piano like" tones).
Yes, Melrose Place is a fun place to be. Back in the 90s again, and I swear if someone shows up to fix the cable I will turn it off… just in case.
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