The most painful part was the shot. I have loved the show for a long time and it seemed like a no-brainer to me when they asked me to be an extra, well really the extra that week.
David Caruso himself phoned me to ask whether I would be interested in playing the featured cadaver on CSI: Miami. Dave and I (Ol’ Red as I like to call him, or rather as he likes me to call him, yeesh talk about needy) have been friends for a long time, since my Emmy winning role as “cop in background” on NYPD Blue a few years back so when he called I saw my chance to be involved in something special and maybe even top my previous performance.
I must explain I don’t really do a lot of these things for a reason. I am like the Marlon Brando of extras, I work only when a part really speaks to me and I feel I need a little more facetime with my public. Anyway, I figured it would be a chance to go to Florida and hang with my bud where we can practice our poses, and witty threatening quips. I didn’t ask to see the script, and I really should have, I guess I just got over excited over the resume potential. I think the writing has dropped on these shows because the market is just saturated with them (coming soon: CSI: Puyallup!) because frankly I felt this episode stretched way to far into the realm of the implausible…
I wasn’t sure what to expect from all of this, what kind of makeup they would do and all that, would it be uncomfortable, that sort of thing, turns out it was really uncomfortable for a couple of reasons. 1)People make fun of you 2) In an effort to make things as real as possible, and because I harped on being a method actor so much, they actually shot me in the head! Along with other various and sundry “twist” injuries. I wasn’t sure what to expect, at least they let Dave do it, and they promise to keep everything that um… came off of me… and store it could be fixed later. Y’know, it really, really hurt and I guess what I hadn’t though through is that is hard to sit still and play dead when you are in a lot of pain… and all the salt water didn’t help either. Did I mention that in the story they find my body in the water? Yeah well they do, and that salt nearly made me pass out from the pain (come to think of it that might have been a good way to go). I mentioned the other injuries right? I think of the others the shark bite had to be the worst one, right on my calf too, and I am pretty sure that is gonna leave a mark.
It was sure fun to be a part of it though. You may ask why you have never seen this episode and there is an explanation, it never aired. You know how I mentioned the story ventured into the implausible, well others thought so too I guess. I will share the outcome with you and you can be the judge. After all is said and done all these shows are about is people dying in truly unique and dumbfounding ways that would never be solved save for forensics and in my case it is baffling that they even figured this one out. So basically what happened is this:
I was out boating with my wife, as she was adjusting the sail I came topside and got hit in the head with the boom, knocking me into the water. My wife struggles to find something to hold out to me to help pull me closer to the boat, and the first thing she grabs is the loaded shotgun which we used for skeet shooting off the deck and hands me the barrel… wait for it… the barrel was still hot and I burnt my hands, letting go and slipping beneath the waves. By this time sharks are circling because of the blood coming from my head where the boom hit it. One takes a chomp on my leg, startling my wife who drops the gun in the water. Just as the gun hits the water a shark swims by, catching the tip of its tail inside the trigger guard on the gun, flicks said tail and sets off the trigger shooting me in the head. In the end, H tracked down the shark and discovered it and Mary-Ellen, my TV wife, had been meeting for sushi for the last few months and now wanted me out of the way so they could get married. It ended with a long tracking shot of the shark looking out the bars of his jail cell at the waves, symbolizing that he had traded his true love, the ocean, for a two bit hussy who laid it all on him.
The Big Villain of the Story
I must say, pain and discomfort aside, I enjoyed my time in Miami. I made some good coin anyway and had fun with Ol’ Red. For now though, I consider myself retired as the paparazzi really got to me in the end. I would rather live a life that is more private and secluded, and if you know me and what I do you will know that is by far the funniest joke in this whole mess…
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